Friday, January 14, 2011

Library adventure

One of the things I remember very fondly from when I was a kid was one of my older sisters taking me to the library.  I spent hours upon hours there with her and her children.  It was one of my favorite things to do (yes, I am a geek).  I took the boys to the library this morning and it was such a great experience and filled me with those fond memories.  We had gone to the library when we lived in Indy often, but they were young and it wasn't really so much about getting books.  But since it had been a while and they are a little older, it was all about the books.  They were so excited and so good.  I am so proud of them!  We even walked there and I have a feeling this is going to be a walk we make often.  So I am thankful our house is so close to the local library!

After we returned from our adventure, we had some hot chocolate to warm up.  While we sat around the table talking about our adventure and drinking hot chocolate, I started realizing how much I miss my sister.  No, she hasn't passed away.  We just really don't speak much any longer.  No big dramatic story to tell or anything like that.  Just a slow moving apart because I was young and stupid.  What I wouldn't give to be able to turn back the hands of time and change that.  Even as we were walking back this afternoon and I was telling the boys about their aunt they have never met I was just sad.  They of course want to meet her.  Maybe I will be lucky and when we go back to visit later this year I will be able to do just that, allow them to meet their awesome aunt.

One of the parts I regret the most is not seeing all of her girls grow up.  Her oldest is actually only 5 years younger than me so her I knew her very well.  Shortly after her last daughter was born was when it all started.  I was married once before (shortly after her last was born) and at the time I didn't realize what was happening I guess.  By the time I did, 5 years had passed, the amount of time my marriage lasted.  I realized after my divorce I was isolated from everyone I had known.  I had allowed this man, this idiot to isolate me from friends and family. 

I was a young girl who married the wrong person.  Very simple.  I didn't realize until many years later how much I had allowed this person I married to take over my life.  Change me.  And I'm not really 100% sure I ever really found myself again.  I caught a glimpse right before I met M I think.  I have come to know something about myself over the years.  I allow myself to become what I think other people want me to be.  Those most important to me.  And you know what?  It's never really worked out.  So this year I am hoping to start finding myself again.  Be real again.  With myself.  Learn what I really want to do and not just do things because others expect them of me or feel I have to.

I took my first step recently!  I have felt the pull to sing again for over a year now.  Shortly after we moved here I found out about a local chorale and really wanted to join.  But then I found out their rehearsals were on Tuesday nights.  My balloon deflated before it even got off the ground.  You see, Tuesday night is the only night M actually goes and does something non-work related.  He goes and plays trivia with the neighbors and I didn't want to ask him to give that up.  I just couldn't bring myself to do it. 

Then, just after the New Year we were chatting about cooking of all things.  And somehow I ended up telling him what I really wanted to do.  I wanted to sing again and I had found out the chorale was holding mid-year auditions.  And I told him about the rehearsals and such.  And you know what?  He told me to go for it.  Gotta love him.  So, I did.  And I am on could 9 because I am singing again! 

Baby steps!


Margaret said...

I love the library and so did my girls when they were little. They had decorated book boxes(old laundry detergent containers) that they hauled with them every week to put their books in! I hope that you can meet up with your sister and am so glad that you get to sing again. That's so important for the spirit!

Michelle said...

I loved taking my kids to the library! Sage and I still go. We spent a while last week digging through stacks looking for travel books. :-)

It's wonderful to have a supportive spouse. I too have been married to someone who limited me. Greg definitely encourages me to expand my life -- it's like night and day, literally.

LauraC said...

I'd say just call your sister! There is no reason to live with regrets :(

Email me offline, I'd love to photograph your boys some time!!!

Cathy said...

My heart aches for you to be in this situation with your family. I'm in a slightly similar with mine. Maybe if you called or wrote your sister with this recent memory of your boys her heart would be opened and warmed too. Baby Steps as you say. With years of hurt on both sides, it's going to take Time and Effort to get back But we can do it!
And I'm so happy you're going to sing again. I always wished I could have heard you sing.


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